Opposite Day/transcript (2024)

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Opposite Day" from season 1, which aired on September 11, 1999.

• [The episode begins with Squidward's house at sunrise. A clam crows like a rooster. Pan-fades to inside Squidward's house, where Squidward is asleep and hears audible whispers. He awakens, revealing SpongeBob and Patrick under his blanket with a banner of letters that reads "happy birthday." Patrick blows a noisemaker.]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Surprise! Happy birthday, Squidward! [all three standing in front of a cake] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday cake! [standing in front of a picture of a seahorse and Squidward has the tail] Happy happy birthday! Pin the tail on the seahorse! [surrounded by presents] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday, Squidward! [run out of Squidward's house with confetti]
• SpongeBob: Yeah! So long, Squidward, bye-bye, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
• Patrick: Another year older. [laughs]
• Squidward: [frustrated] It's not my birthday! [shuts the door and takes off his party hat] That's it! I'm moving out of this neighborhood!
• [Bubble transition to Incidental 49A looking at a picture of Squidward's house.]
• Incidental 49A: Absolutely, Mr. Tentacles! [showing the realtor lady as Incidental 49A from Bikini Realty on phone] I can sell your home in a heartbeat.
• Squidward: Oh, that's great news, because I want to move as soon as possible.
• Incidental 49A: No problem! As long as it's not infested with nematodes, or surrounded by troublesome neighbors or something like that.
• Squidward: Oh sure, there's none of that... [worried] Did you say "neighbors?"
• Incidental 49A: Of course! I can't tell you how many times I've seen a sale fall through because of bad neighbors.
• Squidward: Neighbors. Uhh...
• Incidental 49A: Anyway, I'll be by tomorrow to check out the house. See you then!
• [Both Squidward and Incidental 49A hang up]
• Squidward: SpongeBob! No one will ever buy my house with him living next door! Whatever a good neighbor would do, he does the opposite! [gets an idea] Opposite... [cut to exterior of Squidward's home] opposite...
• [The scene fades to Bikini Atoll as night turns into morning. A rooster crows, waking everyone up. Cut to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is sleeping inside his bedroom, but he is awakened by a loud nose. It was revealed that the noise is coming from Squidward marching outside SpongeBob's house playing a bass drum, a pair of cymbals, a set of bagpipes, and a whistle.]
• SpongeBob: Umm, Squidward, why are you playing that drum?
• [Squidward stops playing and spits out the whistle.]
• Squidward: Drum? What drum? [puts the drum on the ground, punches a hole in it, and pulls out a wig] This is just my wig case! See? [puts on the wig, kicks the drum out of the way and frolics around] Come on, SpongeBob, tackle me!
• SpongeBob: Squidward! You need bed rest! [pushes Squidward to his house as Squidward is blowing bubbles] I'll keep you safe until you're well again.
• Squidward: Oh, I get it. You don't know what day it is, do you?
• SpongeBob: Uhh, Wednesday?
• Squidward: Why, it's Opposite Day! [SpongeBob is confused] You mean you've never heard of it? Boy, have you been missing out! Opposite Day is the one day of the year when you get to act different! Normally I'm stuffy, boring, [frolics around a little more] but today I'm silly and spontaneous! [giggles]
• SpongeBob: Does everybody know about Opposite Day?
• Squidward: Oh sure! It's a game! Get it?
• SpongeBob: Oh, a game.
• Squidward: Yeah! Normally, you're really loud and annoying, so what are you going to be today?
• SpongeBob: Quiet and out of the way! Yaaaaaay!
• Squidward: Yeah! Why don't you get a jump on it.
• SpongeBob: I love...I mean, I hate Opposite Day. [giggles as he runs back into his pineapple] I'm not ready!
• Squidward: So long, chum. [takes off his wig] And goodbye, Bikini Bottom.
• [Bubble transition back to SpongeBob's bedroom.]
• SpongeBob: [running to Gary] Gary! It's Opposite Day and I... [stops running] ...walk, don't run. And I'm gonna... opposite... opposite... I'm just gonna crawl into bed and do nothing all day. [crawls into bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh, Gary?
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Gary! Where’s your holiday spirit?
• Gary: [barks like a dog] Woof.
• SpongeBob: [doorbell rings] Company! I hate company. [rushes to the door] Who's there?
• Patrick: It's Patrick!
• SpongeBob: Patrick... go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles, but Patrick starts to cry]
• Patrick: [sobbing] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
• SpongeBob: [opens the door] That's right! You're my worst enemy!
• [Patrick falls to the ground, bawling]
• SpongeBob: Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
• Patrick: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
• SpongeBob: You have?
• Patrick: No! What is it?
• SpongeBob: Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
• Patrick: Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [holds his breath for about six seconds then turns purple]
• SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, breathe!
• [Patrick takes a deep breath in and pants]
• SpongeBob: Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way!
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick dance across the screen as both have their skin color palettes swapped. Gary eats properly from a table.]
• SpongeBob: [eats from Gary's bowl] Meow.
• Patrick: [sitting on newspapers] Meow.
• [SpongeBob and Patrick both blow a bubble, but they blow themselves into bubbles, instead. Patrick pops]
• SpongeBob: [speaking in reverse] .kcirtaP ,yeH [forwards: Hey, Patrick.]
• Patrick: [speaking in reverse] .pu evig I [forwards: I give up.]
• SpongeBob: [speaking in reverse] !edis etisoppo eht ot teg oT [forwards: To get to the opposite side!]
• [Both laugh in reverse. Bubble transition back to SpongeBob's front door of his house]
• SpongeBob: Say, want to help me do some work around the house, worst enemy?
• Patrick: Nope. [smiles, both laugh]
• Squidward: Nearly noon and not a peep from SpongeBob! [packing his belongings into boxes] I'm almost sorry I'm leaving! [laughs] Opposite Day. [hears noises from outside] SpongeBob, what are you... [screams as he sees both SpongeBob and Patrick destroying SpongeBob's pineapple into a skeleton of a house]
• SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward! Oops. I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Aww, isn't Opposite Day... [giggles] ...terrible? [laughs]
• Squidward: [seriously angry] I'll tell you what's terrible...living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!
• SpongeBob: Wow! That's the nicest thing Squidward has ever said to me!
• [Squidward facepalms.]
• Squidward: [panicked] If the real estate agent sees that mess, I'll never sell this house!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick look at the destroyed pineapple]
• Patrick: Isn't it beautiful?
• SpongeBob: On Opposite Day it is.
• [Squidward drives up with a bulldozer.]
• Squidward: Out of the way, SpongeBob! [pushes the items on the ground with the bulldozer and begins to rebuild the pineapple house skull]
• SpongeBob: I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, [wraps his arms around himself repeatedly] but that really means he's messing it up. [Patrick is drooling] But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, [Gary meows] Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward which means he's SpongeBob! [has wrapped his arms around himself] A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob! By being... [stretches his nose out and puts his belt around the middle of his head to resemble Squidward's head. He talks like Squidward.] Squidward!
• Patrick: Hey! I wanna be opposite, too!
• [SpongeBob thinks, then snaps his fingers. He takes a piece of coral and puts it below Patrick's eyes where his nose would be]
• Patrick: Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! [dances] I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
• SpongeBob: [normal voice] Wait! It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite... [talking like Squidward] ...you have to act like him, too. Boy, oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long, but I never get any better. [normal voice again] Now you try.
• Patrick: Okay. [takes a deep breath and continues dancing] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward. [SpongeBob dances along with Patrick]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward. [they both dance toward Squidward's house]
• SpongeBob: [opens door for Patrick, talking like Squidward] After you, Mr. Squidward.
• Patrick: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward. [walks in]
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] You're quite welcome, Mr. Squidward. [walks in and shuts the door]
• Squidward: [still rebuilding SpongeBob's pineapple] Oh, Opposite Day. Next time, it's going to be "Go Jump Off A Cliff Day!" [Hammers vigorously. As he is building, Incidental 49A drives up]
• Incidental 49A: Oh my! The house is even more beautiful in person! [walks up to the front door, knocks on the door. SpongeBob opens it] Hello, Mr... [looks down] Uh... Mr. Tentacles?
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Yes, please come in.
• Incidental 49A: It's funny, I pictured you being much taller.
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Yeah, everyone says that.
• Incidental 49A: Now if you want the sale to go through, you've got to tell me all the positive things about your house.
• SpongeBob: [normal voice, to himself] Positive things! Opposite Day... [talking like Squidward] I'd love to. The floor creaks, the roof leaks, there's a terrible draft.
• Incidental 49A: Uhh... well, you didn't mention that on the phone.
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Please, let me finish. The winters are harsh, the summers are brutal. There's a wild man-eating clam in the backyard! [Incidental 49A looks at him, shocked] Now, would you care to see the rest of my home?
• Incidental 49A: Well, umm, I'm not sure if I'm interested...
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Nonsense! I won't take no for an answer. [laughs like Squidward, then stops] Please follow me. [both walk into Squidward's art room] And here's the worst room in the house. My gallery.
• Incidental 49A: [looks at a painting of Squidward] Oh my, this painting is very nice.
• Patrick: [bursting through the painting] Thank you!
• [Immediately, Incidental 49A screams and leaps up to the ceiling, hanging onto a beam]
• Incidental 49A: Who's that?!
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Squidward.
• Incidental 49A: You're both Squidward?
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] I'm Squidward, he's Squidward.
• SpongeBob and Patrick: We're both Squidward.
• Squidward: Well, that's done. At least SpongeBob has been quiet. [sees Incidental 49A's boat and screams] Ahhh, no!
• [SpongeBob plays Squidward's clarinet badly for Incidental 49A]
• Incidental 49A: Okay, I really don't want to hear another one.
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Okay. [plays more]
• Incidental 49A: I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] I hear you loud and clear. [plays more]
• Squidward: [bursts in] Stop! Get away from her! Oh, oh, I am so sorry, ma'am, I hope these two [turns to them] barnacle heads [turns back to Incidental 49A] haven't harmed you in any way.
• Incidental 49A: Who are you?
• Squidward: Why, I'm Squidward!
• [SpongeBob and Patrick pop up in the background. Incidental 49A's face slowly turns annoyed]
• Incidental 49A: [angrily] What kind of fool do you take me for? [to Patrick] He's Squidward, [to SpongeBob] he's Squidward, you're Squidward... I'm Squidward! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?!
• Gary: [with a pickle on his face; imitating Squidward's voice] Meow.
• Incidental 49A: [shocked then angry] I'm outta here. [walks away]
• Squidward: Ma'am, please! What about my house?!
• Incidental 49A: I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on Earth! [walks out of the house]
• Squidward: Wait!
• SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Don't...
• Patrick: ...Go!
• Squidward: [screams, runs out, and holds onto her leg and at the edge of her skirt, dragging him, as she is leaving] No! No! No! No! No!
• Incidental 49A: Stop! Stop! [she grabs her skirt]
• Squidward: Please, sell my house!
• Incidental 49A: [frees her skirt and leg from his grasp] Never! [gets in her boat]
• Squidward: Don't leave me here! [falls to the ground, sobbing. Incidental 49A drives off]
• SpongeBob and Patrick: [happily walk up to Squidward] Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
• [Squidward seethes with fury, then gets an idea. He now suddenly smiles.]
• Squidward: Let me show you guys how much I...hate you! [runs off to get a bulldozer]
• [Squidward drives up with the bulldozer chasing SpongeBob and Patrick, they both scream and run away]
• SpongeBob: [normal voice] Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?!
• Squidward: [furious, still chasing them] Happy Opposite Day! [chases them down the street and laughs evilly as they keep running away, ending the episode]

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